A little help from my friends

Help is a difficult word for many people. 

We would often rather strugle alone than admit that we need help and support with a task or situation.

I know I am guilty of this, and always have been. 

I have had several reminders of this over the last 24 hours so I thought I would get some thoughts out and see if you can relate.

Yesterday my husband, son and I went to a barbeque at a friend’s house. It was only local so my daughter (15) asked whether she could stay and get some work done and relax so we agreed. 

When we returned home it was clear something had happened.

I won’t go into details but she was upset and worried and it was all over nothing. No-one was hurt, nothing was damaged, but her mind had run away with her and she had had half an hour of worrying when if she had just called and spoken to us we could have set her mind at ease.

I was heart broken that she hadn’t called me but she didn’t want to interrupt us and doesn’t like to ask for help. 

 

How can I be mad about that when I am so bad at asking for help myself? 

All my life I have been stubbornly independent.  

I didn’t like being helped, I could do it!

If I didn’t know how to do something I could find out. It has caused more than a few arguments with my very patient husband over the years.

Then, when I was very ill, I couldn’t physically do everything alone. I tried, I really tried, but the combination of pain, chronic fatigue and a toddler made it impossible. I was convinced that if I didn’t do everything myself it wouldn’t get done (or certainly not the way I wanted it to be done – me control freak?). 

Imagine my frustration when I had to spend six weeks convalescing at my parent’s house, a hundred miles from my own little family! For the first time in my life I had to trust other people to care for the most precious thing in my life, my daughter. She was only 3 years old and still needed so much help. She was also already stubbornly independent, but she needed feeding, her clothes getting out, taking to nursery… I could do nothing to help. I could barely walk to the kitchen to get a drink let alone drive a hundred miles and make my daughter one! 

But do you know what. She survived. Better than that, she thrived. She was spoilt a little, but that’s ok sometimes, she was dressed and fed and happy and all without my input. 

That was the moment that the world wouldn’t stop spinning if I didn’t do it all alone.

From then on I stopped worrying about being the “perfect” mum. I put my own wellbeing before the need to appear to be coping.

I asked for help.

Did I ask for help as often as I should? 

No, of course not! None of us do. But I don’t struggle with something if I know there is someone who will be able to do it better/quicker/easier than I can. 

I ask my husband to cook tea if I’m tired, I ask him to make a graphic in photoshop if I need it because he is so much better and quicker at that! I ask my children to help with housework. Everyone in our house does their own laundry. It isn’t laziness, it is contributing to the house you live in, and at 10 and 15 years old they are more than capable. 

“Dependence starts when we are born and lasts until we die… But in the middle of our lives, we mistakenly fall prey to the myth that successful people are those that help rather than need, and broken people need rather than help.

Brené Brown

Rising Strong

Since my diagnosis I have had to be realistic about my limitations. I might want to live in a perfectly clean and tidy house all the time but sometimes I have to decide between using my energy to have fun with my family and using it for work, when faced with these choices, using it for housework doesn’t get a look in!

There are some jobs I find almost impossible. For example scrubbing things or very close work like sewing. My hands cramp very easily and I struggle with anything repetitive. I try to make sure that I eat the right foods for my body and take supplements to help my joints, but unfortunately they were damaged by my acromegaly before my surgery so they will never been as good as they should be.

Being forced to ask for help sometimes though has taught me that it isn’t as scary as I used to think.

It isn’t admitting defeat. It isn’t a sign of weakness. It is just an acknowledgment that you have a lot to do and that there are some things that you could be helped with rather than doing it all alone.

This morning my best friend, Callie, sent me an email (as she does every Monday) with an oracle card from Colette Baron-Reid’s “Wisdom of the Oracle” Deck. Every week she sends a newsletter with a message for the week.

This week’s message was all about asking for help. It resonated with me so strongly. The next couple of weeks I have a lot to fit in. I have trips, meetings, writing, resources to create for my schools, meals out with family, even a trip to the West End. Once upon a time I would have been heartbroken if my family had arrived for the weekend and the house wasn’t spotless. Now, I will make sure the beds are up and clean (there will be 10 of us sleeping here this weekend), I will make sure there is food in the cupboards and I will have a quick clean and tidy round.    

I won’t beat myself up though if I run out of energy and can’t dust everywhere. Or if I can’t present them with a show home. They are my family. They love me and they know my physical restrictions. They would definitely rather I have the energy to enjoy our trip to London on Saturday than spend a few hours in an immaculate house! Let’s be realistic, by the time my children have come in from school and their shoes and bags have been joined by another six visitors with bags, shoes, coats and tranklements (as my father in law would call them) it won’t be tidy and clean anymore anyway. At most it will last a few minutes. 

The important thing about this weekend is quality time spent together, not how clean the carpet is, not whether you can see your face in the taps. Time and memories are so precious. Priorities can be blurry sometimes, but let me tell you, you will never regret spending quality time with loved ones. You will never regret putting your wellbeing before your need for the appearance of perfection.   

The problem with trying to do everything alone is that we aren’t designed to be lone wolves. We are pack creatures. We function better in ever way the we play to our own strengths and when we share the emotions and stresses of life. When we attempt to do it all it can cause physical and emotional stress and you don’t need me to tell you that this isn’t good for you.

What can you ask for help with today? 

 Perhaps like me, you need to ask a friend to collect your son from school one night? Maybe you could ask someone to help you with something at work? Whatever it is, take a deep breath and ask for help.

The more you do it, the easier it gets.

Helping others gives us a warm, fuzzy feeling inside. Why would we deprive our friends and loved ones of the joy of that feeling when they are able to help us?

Time for a change – why change can be exciting

Change is a word which can induce fear in some people. 

There is an assumption that change will disturb, disrupt and be a generally negative force. 

I have always tried to embrace change and have actively sought it out throughout my life. I was reminded of this when both my children decided to rearrange their bedrooms the first weekend of the school holidays. Rearranging my room was always one of my favourite things as a child and even now, I regularly make small but significant changes in my environment when I feel that the energy in a room needs shaking up a little bit.

Just as the energy of spaces needs refreshing every now and then, so too does the energy of a business. 

 Change is coming!

As you probably know I run two businesses along side each other. I have Calmer Classrooms which is my wellbeing for schools company, and I also run this business, Kate Beddow, as a more general wellbeing, mindfulness and all round positive space. 

I love both branches of my business for different reasons.

My work with schools takes me to my roots. I have always enjoyed working with children and having been a teacher for many years I see the education system and the stress and anxiety it is causing for so many staff and young people and it makes my heart so sad. I have to keep doing everything I can to help alleviate this situation, little by little. 

My work here though is much more free. I can create whatever I feel you may find helpful, whenever that may beMy work in schools has been intense the last few years and I am incredibly proud of everything I have achieved, however, I am feeling the need to stretch and expand a little and this is the place I have chosen to do that.

Running two businesses I love isn’t easy. There are times when one takes over completely and the other is neglected and I am sorry to say that that has been the case the last couple of years. However, as I approach the start of the new academic year it is my whole hearted intention to devote more time to my work here. 

You will notice over the coming weeks that there will be a few visual changes to the website. I have had a beautiful new logo created and will be changing the look of this website completely to match my vision for this work.  

When this site was created it was designed to be as neutral as possible as I was working on many varied projects at the time and the audiences were very different. Whilst I am incredibly proud of the work I have done, it is time to inject more of me back into my work. 

Colours can initiate change 

You will notice that there is a theme growing in the images on this page and that is not by accident. There is going to be a pop of colour and energy to my new site to really signify change and the new vibe I am trying to create. 

I appreciate that red isn’t everyone’s cup of tea (it hasn’t always been mine) but it is such a positive and vibrant colour that I think it will give my new projects the energy and passion that they need. 

For me red represents many things: love, energy, positivity, passion (sexy underwear), Christmas time, confidence, Chinese New Year (and therefore Chinese food!), glamour (red lipstick, a red carpet event), communication (phone boxes and post boxes), theatre (the velvet seats and red curtain), my favourite slipper socks, geraniums, roses… I could go on and on. I hope that you can learn to love this new colour as much as I do already.

Remember it may not be forever, change happens and it is always for a reason. 

I am being drawn back more deeply to my spiritual roots and this will be more strongly represented in my new designs and products.  

I have been looking into the meaning of the colour red in traditions I know it is used in, such as Buddhism and the Chinese culture.  

In Buddhism red represents life force, preservation, sacred places or things. It is auspicious and protective and symbolises warmth and comfort. It can also be destructive so I am aware of the negative as well as the positive associations. 

Chinese traditions associate red with good luck and good fortune. 

In colour therapy red is energetic, daring, determined, powerful, enthusiastic, exciting, confident, passionate and courageous. 

All of these things are elements I hope to include in this business going forward.

There will be much more work on confidence, passion and courage in particular. I also don’t see destruction as necessarily being a negative thing. Often things must be destroyed in order to move on and create something beautiful. Just as I am doing now with my website. I will be taking apart some elements and replacing them with the new vibrant, energetic pages. 

Channeling Wonder Woman 

My daughter pointed out this week that my new colours are very Wonder Woman.  I suppose they are; blue, red and white. What could be better though. If I am going to have anyone on my team Wonder Woman will do just fine. 

While I was away last week I was doing some work with my Mum, daughter, sister and my sister’s mum-in-law. One of the things we did during this circle time was to tell each other the resources we felt we each had to help us in our lives. I was blown away when my sister said that I always managed to dig deep to help others, no matter what I was going through. My daughter then followed that with, “You always show your emotions when you need to but you can hide them when you need to too”.

Wow! 

I was more than a little emotional about all the comments that were made about everyone in the circle, but these two really hit me hard. 

That my daughter is so perceptive that she can see through my parental mask blew me away. What an amazing young woman she is! I suppose I always knew what my sister told me, but it was the acknowledgment that it was noticed by others that got to me with that one. 

I would do anything for those I love. I feel so fortunate that we have such deep and beautiful relationships. 

You see, we are all Wonder Women. 

Whether you are a parent, carer, living alone, whatever your gender, age, race, religion. We are all battling something, every day. 

You are amazing and I am going to help you be even more amazing with the help of my new Wonder Woman colours. 

But first, I am going to enjoy the rest of the school holidays with my precious family. I will undoubtedly be doing some work on my new projects but that will be when they are busy doing their own thing!

Priorities and precious memories.

I would love to know what you associate with the colour red and how you feel about the changes that are coming here. let me know in the comments.

Time to shine

If you are a regular reader of my blog, you will have noticed that a theme is forming at the moment. Time to shine is just my latest musings on self confidence, self image, body confidence and the many and mixed emotions we face as a woman surrounding our sense of self. 

I am not choosing to focus on this to be self indulgent. Although, it is something I am working on on a very deep level personally at the moment.  

I want to talk to you about my journey because I know that I always discover things about myself most effectively through listening to other people’s stories and revelations.    

My musings today are definitely a continuation but also feel like a huge leap forward.   

 

As you know I am building up to a huge step for me personally next year. Next May I will be taking part in a Real Full Monty show at the local theatre (this photo shows the amazing cast who took part this year).  

We haven’t even started rehearsing yet. I know that I have a lot of inner work to do to get to the point where I can do this and enjoy it so I am starting now.

After years and years of feeling self confident about my body it is not going to be an easy thing for me.

Some how between now and next May I have to get to a point where I feel happy stripping down to my knickers in front of over 1500 people.

I am not just worried about what I will look like, although of course that is a huge factor. I’m worried about getting the right message across and I want to raise awareness of rare conditions. To give people who might be struggling physically or mentally hope that they too can beat their demons.

Of course I am worried about what I look like. I don’t want everyone running out of the theatre screaming! But I know that that won’t happen. I want to use this as a motivator to help me care for my body more from now on. As a busy mum I have neglected my physical body over the years. This is the perfect excuse to start looking after myself properly again. 

I don’t eat badly, but we can always eat better can’t we? I don’t exercise enough (although I do more than I have done for years) and silly things like, I never remember to moisturise. 

Well no more! 

From now on I intend to look after my body. It serves me incredibly well and considering everything it has been through it is amazing!

The other day I decided to write myself a list of things I like and dislike (physically about my body) and the dislikes list was twice as long as the likes. I thought I was doing pretty well on the learning to love myself. It looks like I have an awfully long way to go!

For a few days I have been trying to decide whether to post the photo below. My husband took it when we were in Rome recently on my request. I was wearing a bikini for the first time in 13 years and I wanted a record of the fact that I had done it. I posted a photo of my head and shoulders on social media at the time. I wasn’t brave enough to post this one. I keep going back and forth about whether to post it but the bottom line is, I want to show you that it’s ok. With my rational head I sit and watch people who look like me go past at the beach or by the pool. I think “she looks great, I wish I was brave enough to wear a bikini”. But I still can’t get to that point when I look at myself. 

So here it is! 

Now I don’t know what you will see when you look at this photo. You might be as appalled as I am. You might see the wobbly bits. The stretch marks. The ill fitting bikini, that I bought thinking I would never wear it so it didn’t matter. 

But here’s what I would like you to see 

I would like you to see a woman who has given birth to two beautiful children and survived two c sections in order to bring them safely into the world. 

A woman who despite growing in all manner of strange ways throughout her life, tries really hard to stay in shape. To keep her body strong enough to care for her family.   

Someone who despite feeling really self conscious wore a bikini all day in a public place. And managed to smile on a photo that she was feeling very uncomfortable posing for. 

A scared and scarred woman trying hard to over come her own insecurities and fears in order to hopefully inspire other women to feel more confident in their bodies. To raise awareness of all the millions of people around the world who struggle every day. Those with pain and terrible side effects who are too exhausted to tell anyone what they are going through. 

We all need to get to a point where we appreciate our bodies for the amazing things they do for us. For the functions they perform, often without us even realising. Instead of only caring about what they look like on the outside.   

We also need to remember that the way we see our own body is very different to the way everyone else sees it. 

I know all of this on an intellectual level. But my insecurities and my peri-menopausal hormonal wibbles just tell me I’m old and fat and no one should have to look at this!   

I thought my self confidence was pretty good. It turns out that when I dig a little deeper I have just used a few clever tricks to fool myself. It’s amazing what you can achieve with a combination of being too busy to think about something and changing your life to make sure you never have to confront your fears. So I am great at being body confident when I don’t have to go swimming, when I wear clothes that I know flatter me and when I don’t think about it too much.  

Meanwhile in the real world there is still a little voice in my head saying; “But look at; those stretch marks,  that double chin, those wobbly thighs, that wobbly tummy, my big feet/hands, those saggy boobs…” 

Do I need to go on?  

Now I hope that you are one of those amazing women who loves their body. That you are just reading this wondering what is wrong with me.  However, I don’t think I have EVER met a woman who loves everything about her physical form.  

My beautiful Mum was two dress sizes smaller than me on my wedding day and I was the smallest I have been in my entire adult life that day. She won’t wear certain tops because she’s too boney! She looks incredible! My sister is almost 6ft tall and a size 10/12. She has had two children and looks amazing but does she love her body? No she tries to tell me she’s fat!!  

Never have I met a woman who loves everything about her body. 

Do I think that by doing lots of inner work over the next 12 months I can magically be that woman? 

 No of course not!

Am I going to get to a point where I can walk onto the stage at the Gatehouse and feel proud of myself for being brave enough to strip in front of 500+ people a night for 3 nights? 

Oh I do hope so!  

Well, I am going to be doing it, one way or another. I am committed to the self care and also the cause now. Whether I can get to a point where I feel proud of my body. Only time will tell, but one way or another it will be seen and I will have to do it.

Where are you at with your own body confidence?

What have you done to try and improve it? 

I’m so conscious that I have to be careful what messages I am sending to my children, particularly my daughter. I am very careful not to talk about the things I don’t like in front of her. I talk about my body’s limitations because of my condition but I try really hard not to pass comment about things I like and dislike about myself. 

I’m delighted that both my children want to come to the show next year. If I can show them that it’s ok to be whatever shape you are and that we should be proud of ourselves not feel like we need to hide ourselves away I will really feel like I have achieved something special. 

It’s my time to shine and wearing a bikini and being brave enough to share it with you is the first twinkle on a long path to illumination on stage next year. 

I would love to hear from you if you have any stories, any recommendations for things that might help me on this journey or you just want to tell me to cover up! 

 

 

 

 

Mindful Being

Mindful being for me is a daily state. It is my nirvana, my end goal. When we are living totally mindfully we are present all the time and in complete control of all our emotions and senses. 

In reaction it is far from a daily state for me at the moment.  

My brain is currently being hijacked by hormones. My emotions are all over the place. One minute I am crying with joy, the next I am crying with fear and then every so often insecurity pops in for a cuppa.  

I have been here several times before. When I was in my teens my hormones ruled the roost. I all alone battling the sea of adversity.  

The reality of course was very different, and for the most part I was fully aware how lucky I was, but there were times when it felt that no-one understood what I was going through.

Then there was the time in my early thirties before my acromegaly was diagnosed when I was once again returned to a hormonal, eating sleeping bag of nerves. It was like going through a second puberty.

Hormones have a lot to answer for! 

Many, in fact I think MOST, women have a complicated relationship with hormones. Mine has been particularly interesting though. It might sound like I’m complaining. I’m not. I’m actually very grateful (most of the time!) for the amazing insights that my illness have given me. It has made me much more compassionate towards my children when they have had hormone related challenges from potty training to puberty. 

What it has done though is made this latest rollercoaster a little harder to ride.   

You see because my condition is hormone based a lot of the symptoms I had when I was ill; fatigue, short temperedness, aching joints, headaches, night sweats, sugar cravings, weight gain, irregular periods… are also the most common symptoms of peri menopause. 

I was managing to keep a lid on my fears  really well until I had a migraine last week. 

I have only ever had one migraine before and that was when I was pregnant with my daughter (before my diagnosis but I suspect around the time that my symptoms really started to be evident). Most of my family suffer from migraines so I knew what it was, and thankfully it wasn’t a bad one, but it did take me 3 days to shift the headache. Not helped by the niggling fear that all these symptoms were just too similar to my pituitary tumour returning. The tension in my shoulders and neck resulting from these fears was giving me a secondary headache and just adding to my worries.   

Was I able to find a state of mindful being?  

Yes, well, most of the time.   

Honestly though my heart was starting to rule my head and I was getting more and more panic stricken until I had to turn round half way to taking my son to school because I had a strange sensation in my head and ears and it all just got too much. I broke down in tears and rang the doctor.   

The doctor of course confirmed my peri menopausal symptoms and she completely understood my fears. She was very patient and looked back through my most recent MRI results and blood tests, which I have so regularly that she was able to set my mind at ease about my tumour. As always though she daren’t prescribe anything to ease any of my symptoms without checking with the doctor. 

Now I am determined not to be ruled by my hormones any more than is necessary but as much as I would probably have wrestled her to the floor for HRT last week, I’m glad for this cooling off period to look at other alternatives. So I am reading Andrea Maclean’s book “Confessions of a Menopausal Woman” (which I highly recommend if you are in the same place as me!). I am going for an acupuncture session this morning, am looking into essential oils, magnets, diet… you name it!

I will rediscover my mindful being.  

It is important to remember  when we are being hijacked by our hormones that we can regain control.

We also mustn’t beat ourselves up for giving in to those very basic urges sometimes. We cry, we shout, we eat a whole packet of biscuits or drink a whole bottle of wine. 

It is good?  

Not really.  

Do we feel proud of ourselves?

Not usually. 

But sometimes it happens. Just by being aware that we feeling this way and acknowledging why puts us ahead of many people. Having the ability to stop, take a deep breath, acknowledge our thoughts and feelings and keep doing is a powerful and liberating thing.   

So until I have ridden out this hormone storm I will continue to be imperfectly perfect. I will do everything in my power to keep in control of my moods and my behaviour. I will strive for mindful being as often as I am able, but I won’t beat myself up for crying in the supermarket or shouting at the laptop irrationally.

I will be me. All day, every day. I will be real. I will be kind hearted with an occasional temper and frequently leaky eyes. I will embrace my wobbly bits and not beat myself up for brain fog. Most importantly I will be happy in this transition. Few of my fellow acromegaly sufferers ever experience this because their treatment prevents it. Most patients don’t discover they have this illness until after they have been through this change. I feel privileged to be able to experience this next phase and am looking forward to life post menopause.  

We must talk about this more though. I have learned more about this time of life in the last few months than I could ever have imagined. Only by talking about all these enormous challenges faces by women can we start to make life easier for those experiencing them. The world needs to be more accepting of this amazing metamorphosis. Yes it is a sign that we are ageing, but what a huge privilege that is, and I’m sorry but I’m not ready for the care home just yet (despite what my son thinks!), I’m not 43 yet! 

Let’s celebrate this amazing transition and stop hiding away and trying to keep going through whatever adversity is thrown at us! We are women, we are incredibly strong but we are also best when we share our experiences and support each other.

  

Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. This means that if you click the link and buy the product/service associated I will receive a small payment in return. The product/service will not cost you any more. I never recommend anything I have not experienced myself. I always appreciate any purchases made using my links as they enable me to continue writing and helping more people. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is me! – Out of my comfort zone

If you have been reading my blog the last few months you will have heard all about my husband’s fabulous experiences working with The Real Full Monty team. This incredible group of people came together and have raised well over £30k for KMAC (a cancer charity). 

If you have missed my previous posts about this life changing show you can read them here:

What could you achieve?

Life Changing Moments

Well, the show was so successful that the theatre have asked them to recreate it next year and have given them the theatre for three nights this time. Amazing!

I know what you’re thinking, “surely she isn’t going to write a blog just to tell us that they are doing a show that’s miles from where I live again next year?”. 

No, no I’m not. There is much more to this post.

When I was younger I did a lot of performing; school productions, local amateur dramatic and youth theatre groups, choirs etc. I loved it. 

I even sang at The Palladium when I was in my twenties (it was one night but definitely the pinnacle of my performing career!). Since I had my children, and my illness though I haven’t done any theatre work and have only sung at a couple of family events

 

Honestly, I’m scared to. I have wanted to look into joining an amateur dramatic group locally for years now. My daughter is doing Performing Arts GCSE and loves it too and I would love to do a show with her. Unfortunately one of the many side effects of my acromegaly is chronic fatigue and I am scared to commit to months of rehearsals and let everyone down because my body doesn’t let me do it.

She’s still waffling on, does she have a point?  

Well, yes I do. You see I have agreed to be part of The Real Full Monty 2020. I will be dancing with the girls and overcoming so many fears I have lost count.  

Will my body cope with rehearsals and dancing?

Can I overcome some lingering body confidence issues?

Can I stay sane while rehearsing and performing whilst supporting my children through Y6 SATs and GCSEs?

I know I need to do this, but it is going to push me so far out of my comfort zone I won’t even be able to see my little zone of happy anymore!

I feel very fortunate to be able to take part in something so inspirational. I will hopefully have the opportunity to share a little about my acromegaly journey and the lasting effects that that has had on my body confidence and my emotional wellbeing. I will be spending lots of lovely time with my gorgeous hubby, Ian, because he is going to be documenting it all again. This of course means that not only do I get to spend time with him, I have the security of knowing that he will be there if I have a wibble. 

We are raising money for three incredible local charities, all of which are very close to my heart and some of my favourite people in the world are going to be dancing along side me. If ever the stars could align to tell me that this is something I need to do!    

There will undoubtedly be times when I need to reach into my relaxation toolbox to calm my nerves. I will no doubt spend many hours talking to my loved ones about the process and the issues it is raising for me. I have also bought a journal to start documenting all my thoughts and feelings to help me process everything, and remember the journey. 

I’m sure I will be giving you lots of updates as I take my tentative steps along this path, but I wanted to share how excited I am to be joining such an incredible team. 

There is another reason that I am writing on this subject this week. The dance will more than likely be to the amazing song from The Greatest Showman, This is me. This song is so significant to me. I wrote quite extensively about it when I saw the film (read my article), it feels like my anthem now.   

My sister and I are going to see the gorgeous Hugh Jackman (or Huge as he is known affectionately in our house!) on Monday. Imagine my excitement when it was announced last week that Keala Settle, the incredible lady who performed “This is me” in the film, is going to be joining him for his UK tour! I might actually get to see this life changing song performed live!  Follow me on social media for pictures from the concert and lots of pictures of my sister and I looking over excited!  

 

5 Mindful Minutes

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